11.04.2002

why is it that i feel like i have no direction in life? why is it that i feel like whatever i do, i can't make my parents happy. i know that they just want what's best for me, but don't you think i know what the best for me is? i mean...cmon! it's me! i may not be perfect. nobody is. but i'm not such a horrible person that people have to think that they need to control my life all the time. i'm freakin 18, i think i know how to deal with whatever comes on my own. if i need help, i'll go get some. i don't need people telling me what to do and what not to do. what is up with that? i feel like....well lost. i feel happy at times, but i dont know if i'm truly happy, or if i'm just hiding it like i was before. i worry about other people too much, i'm too sympathetic. i need to be more empathetic, but when i'm empathetic, i turn into a conceited little bitch, yet when i'm sympathetic, i'm miserable even if everything in my life is going great. i just don't know what to do anymore. i dont know if what i'm doing is really what i want to do. i think it is. but i'm not sure. i'm so bored with life. i just want it over. how depressing. i actually went to get help today...i hafta go back in an hour to see a real psychologist. fuck. i hate how i need a shrink. i hate how i get everybody else worried about me and i can't do anythign about that. i hate how...i dont know...how everything about me is just so fucked up. everything's annoying me right now. i thought i was all better. but i guess i was wrong. i'm back to where i started. this sucks. i wish i was back in high school. i wish i was a little kid, without a care in the world. i wish i didn't have all this responsibility. i wish...oh i wish oh so many things.

11.02.2002



wow...i haven't written in a long ass time. and things have happened...

i started college...for the most part it's pretty fun. but i'm getting pretty bored in cow-town. i mean...the classes are way too easy. i feel like i don't have anything to do for them. i'm taking chinese, math, and english. and for the most part...all three classes are way too easy. not even a challenge. this is such a joke. the weekends are kinda boring. i feel like i haven't made any close friends yet though. kinda depressing. everybody goes out to party and i'm not really into that stuff because one...there's way too many drunk people and two...i don't really know very many people....so it's kinda pointless :-/ *sigh* oh well. i miss my friends back home a lot. thank god i'm going home next weekend. i wish i lived closer though. *sigh* oh well...can't do anything about that.

i'm on my way in turning into a nor cal girl...i caught myself saying "hella" twice last night within the span of 5 minutes. hmmm...i say gnarly and sheisty and all that shit...i'm not a total nor cal girl yet. not until i say the phrase..."hella tight" (that doesn't count)...according to kevin.

there's a boy...that's all i'm gonna say...cuz i dunno if there's anybody i don't want reading this reading :)

halloween was sooo crazy...so many drunk people. so much craziness all in one night. it was fun though...and i didn't even go out! haha

what else is there to say....uh...i don't remember...oh well...i guess i'll try to write more often....who knows